


Diagnosed: a Doki Doki Literature Club fanfiction

by Cerebral_Forest



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Asperger Syndrome, Autism Spectrum, F/M, Festivals, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, High School, Humor, Mental Health Issues, Mornings, POV Female Character, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, Romance, School Festivals, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Social Anxiety, Teen Angst, Teenagers, Unrequited Crush, Yuri, im autistic coding this character and no one can stop me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-22
Updated: 2019-02-22
Packaged: 2019-11-03 17:34:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17882213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cerebral_Forest/pseuds/Cerebral_Forest
Summary: This is a fic from Yuri's POV, and I guess it's a drama? The story begins with Yuri preparing to go to the festival with MC, before things go terribly awry and she ends up injured. I tried to go into some of the triciker parts of mental health in this, so please go easy on me, I'm trying my hardest. As well at this, I'm headcanoning Yuri as someone on the Autism spectrum, and drawing on my own experiences, I think I'm doing a good job so far. I'll be releasing it chapter by chapter, so follow me if you don't want to miss out! Hope y'all enjoy.(TW: Descriptions of anxiety, self harm, and suicidal thoughts and actions)





	Diagnosed: a Doki Doki Literature Club fanfiction

My alarm is ringing. The damned thing. As I rub my eyes and turn my phone on, I notice that the time reads as... Half past six. I could have sworn I set the alarm for seven last night. Upon closer inspection, I notice that my phone is not, in fact, alerting me to wake up. It's ringing! I slide the green button across, without reading the name displayed on the screen. Who would call at such an ungodly hour? A somewhat tinny male voice greets me. It's Alex. He's talking. And loudly.

'Sayori! It's festival day! Are you up? Answer, dummy!'

Is he excited or panicking? I can't tell. He wants to talk to Sayori, it seems. He must have called me by mistake. Endearing as he is, he doesn't pay much attention to detail. What should I say? I think for a second.

'I'm not Sayori. I'm Yuri,' I say matter-of-factly. He goes silent. Did I say something wrong? Sometimes I wish he was easy to understand. Like a book. After a lengthy pause, he speaks.

''Oh, sorry. I must have called you by mistake. I have to go. Sorry, Yuri. Bye!' He hangs up. Don't people do that when they're angry? He didn't sound very angry, though. I'm still not completely awake, so I can't think straight. I lay awake in bed. I can't get back to sleep now. I feel frustrated. I think it's frustration, anyway. My emotions usually make more sense when I put them to paper. I think for a while, in a lemniscate trance. How come I can understand complicated metaphors and such when writing and reading, but I can never understand what people mean when they speak to me, or feel calm when I talk to them? I close my eyes. Time slips by. My alarm rings. It's seven o'clock.

I get up, and stand in front of the mirror. I'm excited for the festival today. I get to talk to Alex, and be his partner for the festivities, like he promised. As well as Sayori. Does he like Sayori more than me? I hope he doesn't. I try not to think about it. I simply stare at the gray pair of eyes in my mirror. I apply my contact lenses, like I always do. The windows to my (rather boring) soul look purple now. Purple is my favorite color. I don't know why. It just looks alluring to me. Mystical. I suppose that's enough of a reason. So I bought purple contacts last year. I didn't have any friends to impress with them, but the lenses made me feel prettier, and that security in my image made me happier. I felt safer, almost. It suddenly occurs to me that we can wear whatever we like for the festival. I think about what I should wear. I consider wearing a short black dress, before remembering, for what feels like the millionth horrid time, that I can't wear short sleeves outside. There are too many cuts on my arms from... I don't want people to make fun of me for that. They already make fun of me for everything else. I look in my drawer, and pull out a roll of bandages. I begin to roll some around my wrist and shudder. It's itchy. It's always uncomfortable, not just physically, but psychologically. Itchiness gives me a headache, usually. I'm not wearing these. I suppose I'm not wearing that dress, either. I look through my wardrobe. It's mostly black and purple. I wore a sweater yesterday. Will Alex be unimpressed if I wear another one? I don't want to look plain. I decide on a purple crop top and a black leather jacket. Then I put my black jeans on. There are lots of rips in them, but my friend Monika told me that they were supposed to be like that. I never really understood how that kind of fashion came about, but I like it. Most people wear clothes that are difficult to put on, take off, or wear. Too many uncomfortable outfits for my liking. This outfit is comfortable. Nothing overly itchy or tight. I walk over to my desk. It's decorated with poems I've written in the recent past. They're rather shoddily written, with unpolished use of adjectives and cliche use of metaphors without a hint of nuance or self-awareness. It's also littered with knives.

I like knives. I stopped telling people I liked them a few years ago, when someone stole my favorite knife. I'm not sure if they wanted to keep it or just upset me. I named it 'Anachronism' because it was twenty five years old at the time. At least, that's what the person who sold it to me claimed. It had a black blade and handle, and was exceptionally sharp. It went missing from my backpack one day, with an upsetting note in its place. I panicked upon discovering it missing. I went to the bathroom and promptly threw up. I couldn't cope properly at the time, and I don't think my skills have improved much since. I didn't talk to anyone for a few weeks afterwards. I had other knives, but I didn't like them as much. That one was by far my favorite. I'm crying a little now. My face is red in the mirror. I guess this is going to be a fragile day. I'll have to be especially careful to not have any kind of breakdown. I wipe my eyes, and put my bag on to leave. I never eat breakfast. I've been told I should, but I can never be bothered. Besides, I have a routine for the morning. Wake up. Dress. Clean my teeth. Get my belongings. Leave. An airtight plan. I pause for a moment. I forgot to clean my teeth, I realise. I turn around, and do just that. Now I can leave. I pick up a shiny yellow knife from my desk. It's called 'Firefly', because it's brightly coloured. I tuck it into my jean pocket. I shuffle down the road to school, with a smile on my face. Firefly is one of my favorite knives. I can tell because I've used it the least.

Tucked into my bag is a poem I wrote to perform at the festival. It's not written in my usual style. Monika told me on friday that I should simplify my writing for the audience today. I tried to. I asked Natsuki to help me make it simple like her poetry, but she didn't want to. I think she might be upset with me now. I'm about halfway to the school grounds when I see a shorter girl running- no, galloping toward me. It's my friend Sayori. She looks happy, like she normally does. The last time I saw her she seemed to be upset, so this is a nice surprise. She launches herself at me, and I tremble with a mixture of surprise and fear. She's embracing me. I let out a yelp of surprise, and she looks up. I feel something wet sliding down my cheek. Oh god. I'm crying. Why am I crying? Why the fuck am I crying? I don't enjoy spontaneous touching, but this reaction feels unreasonable. Sayori looks up at me, her eyes wide. 'Are you okay, Yuri? I'm sorry, I...' She trails off, looking... for lack of a better adjective, sad.

'Oh... I, well, Don't be sorry. I'm sorry. I have something in my eye. Both of them. Thank you for hugging me,' I rub my eyes. I think my lie was good enough. Is she convinced? I hope she is. Not too far away, is a taller figure with brown hair. His hands are in his pockets, and he's walking rather slowly. His eyes have a gray area beneath them, which sometimes happens to me when I haven't slept. I wonder if he got enough sleep. He says hello to me, and goes to hug me, but I step back. He looks surprised, but says nothing. I feel like turning him down was hurtful. We were so friendly yesterday, why am I feeling so cagey now? How do I seem friendly again? I look at him, and then Sayori, and, hearing my heart beating overtime, I step forward, giving him a warm hug. My breathing slows down. I'm... okay with this. Nobody says anything. I think I know why. This is the first time I've given anyone a hug.

They must be surprised.

I step back, and Alex 'dusts himself off'. He doesn't look dusty, though. Just tired. Sayori looks confused for some reason. Or maybe she's angry. Why would she be angry? I offer Alex my hand to hold. He's holding Sayori's hand already, so we both hold his hand. I'm satisfied with this. We talk about what's to come today. Sayori and Alex are excited for the festival.

'Sayori and I are going as friends.' Says Alex. Sayori looks down at the pavement.

'Are you okay, Sayori?' I ask. She still looks unhappy. I'm sure that's unhappiness now. She's frowning and her eyes are misty. Is it because she's going with Alex? Why would that upset her? I'm also going with Alex, and I'm happy about it.

'Of course I'm okay!' Sayori smiles at me. I smile back. Smiling is difficult. If you don't try, it looks like you're grimacing, as if in pain, but if you try too hard you look unsettling and... a little obsessive. Well, I think I got it right. We reach the school gates. It smells of food. I begin to crave chocolate. And squid. It's also very loud. I don't like noise, but Alex is here with me to keep me company. I hold his hand a little tighter, and the three of us walk through the gate.

We walk past our peers, and the air is filled with pleasant conversations and lovely smells. I cross paths with Monika, and compliment her on her outfit.

'You look comely in that dress, Monika.' She looks at me, and I look away. That was right, wasn't it? I told her something nice. You can't misinterpret that. She can't be upset, can she?

I hear her say 'Thank you, Yuri, your crop top looks really pretty with that jacket.' I smile and blush, thanking her for her kind words. Looking around, I notice that Alex and Sayori are nowhere to be seen.

I try not to panic, and instead ask to walk with Monika. I don't know her very well, but we're friends.

'Monika, do you mind if I walk with you? Sayori and Alex have wandered off. Well, I wandered off, really. I'm sorry.' Monika stares for a moment, then smiles and says, 'Sure!'

I hold her hand, but then a cold feeling stabs me in the chest. I didn't ask her permission. 'Is this okay, Monika?' She turns to me, and smiles.

'Of course!' She clasps my hand. It's comfortable, and I don't think I'll get lost. Hand holding doesn't bother me as long as it's not by surprise. It might be my imagination, but I think I hear Monika mutter something under her breath. It must be something, but it's nothing, so I just keep facing ahead.

Monika and I wander around the festival for a while. She often stops and talks to people she knows. I don't know many people here, so I just stand in silence beside her, like a well-behaved child in a grocery store. Soon I come across Alex and Sayori. Monika slips away into the crowd. Sayori is parading around with a large dragon. A stuffed one. 'Yay! We won a plush!' She's smiling brightly. I have a plush raccoon at home. His name is Shirou. Knives are okay for some things, but cuddling is not one of them. Oh no. I've forgotten to smile back at Sayori. I look gloomy. Her smile flickers for a moment. I think she's concerned. I really screwed this up. She'll think I'm weird, like everyone else. I'm having trouble smiling now. I try extra hard, and a toothy grin spreads across my face. Sayori and Alex giggle. Are they laughing at me? I think I messed it up. I must have looked creepy. My face is cramping up from smiling so wide, so I wipe it off my face. They go quiet, and I congratulate Sayori on her success. I'm sweating. The three of us walk to the classroom where Alex and I sit down. I take the banner Alex and I painted out of my bag, as well as my aromatherapy candle. Alex turns to Sayori. 'You should stay here and help us, Sayori. We could use a extra pair of hands.'

'No, thanks,' Sayori replies. 'I have to go help Monika. I'm sure you'll be just fine without me, though.' She giggles. 'Have fun!' She trots out the door.

I notice Alex hasn't spoken to me much today. I should say something. 'We did a good job of this banner, Alex. You did a good job... painting.' Alex grins.

'Thanks! You did a great job too! Also, you look beautiful today.' I stop and think. He's flirting? Well, I got very close to him yesterday. Oh. Maybe he thought I was going to kiss him. Well, was I? Yesterday, after the date, I felt very comfortable with him, and... Well, I leaned in very close. Sometimes I do that. I wasn't going to kiss him. I would like to kiss him, though. Maybe I should say something.

'Oh, t-thank you! Would you like to kiss?' His mouth hangs open, and he looks dumbfounded. I think I overstepped a boundary. I think I fucked it up. Suddenly his eyes light up.

'Sure!' He walks up to me, and stands awkwardly in front of me. Just like that, he agreed. I was scared for a moment. I very hesitantly lean forward, and our lips meet. I can feel his warmth from here. It's nice. My heart begins to pound, but I'm not panicking this time. We stay in place for a little while. I'm not sure what to do. I move my tongue. Suddenly, this seems like a test. I think I'm meant to move my tongue. He does too. It's weird, but that's okay. I pull back, and so does he. He beams, and so do I. I haven't kissed anyone before. It was nice. I liked feeling so close to him in that way. I think he liked it too.

The two of us go back to work, placing dark paper over the windows. I keep thinking about just before, when we kissed. Do people usually just say yes like that? They don't in most of the books I read. Maybe the jeans won him over. Monika did say that boys liked ripped jeans. Or maybe he just really likes me. Or... loves me? He kissed me. Does that mean...

'Are you my boyfriend now?' I ask him. He looks me in the eyes and pauses. I hear a quiet ding, and he smiles.

'Yeah. I think? Well, if you want me to be.' I grin. I was right.

'Well... I'd love to be your girlfriend, Alex.' This is easy. I can feel my awkwardness slipping away. I have a boyfriend now! Maybe I won't tell Sayori, She might be envious. I hum to myself as I work. Soon enough, all of the windows are covered. And thank goodness. My back is hurting from standing up so long. I sit on the floor, and beckon for Alex to sit beside me. I put together my aromatherapy candles. They're not actually candles. They're little devices that spray aromatic mist. I explain how they work to Alex. I suddenly start to sweat.

'I'm rambling, aren't I?'

'No.' Alex smiles. 'I like it when you talk about things like that to me. It's interesting, and you have a nice voice.'

I blush, and my nervousness fades. 'Thank you. You have a lovely personality.' I feel proud of my compliment, and smile at him. He smiles back, and blushes. Did I smile too wide? Oh well. I don't think he was bothered.

A little enthusiasm isn't a terrible thing, right?

I hear the door swing open, and let out a small whimper of surprise. I turn around. It's Natsuki! She doesn't look irritated with me like she did when I asked her to help with the poem. That's good. She looks Alex up and down, and lets out a huff of anger. She doesn't like Alex. She has a tray of cupcakes in her arms. Some are falling apart, but they still look appetising. She doesn't talk to either of us as she puts the cupcakes out on the table. She sits down on the table at the front of the room. She's wearing a pink top, a denim jacket, and jean shorts. They aren't ripped like mine, so I have an advantage. Still, she looks very pretty. I've always had something of a crush on her, even though her poems aren't always well written, But now I have a boyfriend. So I can't date Natsuki. After a long silence, she speaks. 'You look nice, Yuri.'

I've heard this today. I respond accordingly. 'Thank you! Would you like to...' I trail off. That was a close call. Natsuki's looking at me now. I need to finish my sentence. 'Um, never mind. You look great as well!'

She gives me a fanged grin. 'Thanks!' She still hasn't talked to Alex. He's looking at the floor. I remember her scolding him in the classroom about his poetry. I think his poems were well written. Certainly not bad enough to dislike him for. 'Why doesn't Natsuki talk to you?' I ask Alex. I look up and realise that Natsuki has gone red. She must have heard me. Sometimes I talk too loudly. She then begins to speak.

'So, are you enjoying the festival, Alex?' She sounds a little bit annoyed. I might have come across as condescending. My cheeks start to go pink, and I start to sweat.

'I'm having a great time, thanks. What about you?' Alex still hasn't made eye contact with Natsuki. He's talking at the floor. I understand. Eye contact is difficult.

'Oh, it's fine.' Natsuki is smiling now, but still sounds pissed off. What does that mean? The room is quiet, and I begin to worry that Natsuki is upset at me for talking about her like she wasn't there. I put my arm around my boyfriend, and Natsuki looks over at the cupcake stand, as if uncomfortable. I excuse myself to go to the bathroom. 'I need to leave for the bathroom. Excuse me.' I say. I think that's sufficient. They don't know, but I'm not, in fact, going to the bathroom. I'm going to get some tea. Bubble tea.

I need to clear my head.


End file.
